Get the Maxx to ascend the Minimum ...

Earlier tonite, at my local T.J. Maxx -the one on the banks of the River 2 - I was asked to write a new check because the one I presented was "illegible".

For a moment, I felt like I was in 4th grade and had failed my penmanship test. My 'lazy brown fox' was not up to par on the yellow, pulpy paper with wide blue rules, dashed line in the middle for the lowercase letters.

I was scouring the racks for the sartorial symbol of capitalism. It's interesting the things you think about when you try to pick out a shirt and tie. Subconciously - each color makes you dream about how it will project your image. (I am confident, sensitive, yellow shirt man). Then to pick a shiny piece of cloth to tie around my neck and present myself to the masses. What to buy: Kenneth Cole, Tommy Hilfiger, Jones New York. Ties have become so outdated. One day society will probably look at them the way we look at powdered wigs.

Don't get me wrong; I don a powdered wig every other Saturday morning and recite the Declaration of Independence as I do my 2,634 steps on the elliptical machine. Gotta get into the fat burning zone and guarantee the pursuit of happiness as I feel like I am roller skating inside a big silver Friendly's Banana Split Bowl.

I actually was oscillating wildely on an elliptical machine Friday night, at the local low key gym. By low key I mean that the average person was not going to be heading out to the Roxy afterwords, sporting a ribbed fake Versace tank top on and a Vicks pocket inhaler in their back pocket. So, I was on the elliptical- going backwards, (feeling the dull burn in my calves - like someone had flicked a Bic in an igloo) and surveying the array of tie-dyed Fitness Center shirts that were hanging above the front desk.

I was thinking about how I liked the pink and white one the best and that the gray and blue one reminded me of the colors of a Red Bull bottle. I remembered this small blurb in Newsweek about the latest new club drink in a stylized pink can called: Sofia- produced by Francis Ford Coppola's winery.

The name Sofia was written in this flowery, cursive, and legible font ... unlike the check I wrote at T.J. Maxx.