The people were crowded together on the dark, steep stairs. There was an air of anxiousness, anticipation in the air. People's plans were being ruined every minute when they found out the bad news. People in uniforms barked out cryptic orders.

Welcome to the Kenmore Landmark Theatre on the night before President's Day-Old School is sold out, so make other plans Will Ferrel enthusiasts.

I hadn't been to the movies for a few months and I had forgotten what I hate about them. First of all, my winter jacket is the size of a small tent and about half a foot thick, so if I put it behind me I would be on the edge of the seat, resting my goatee on the weave in front of me. I put it next to me and right before Adaptation started, this woman squeezed in next to me and almost sat on my jacket.

So, I sat through the whole movie with 40 lbs off water resistant fabric on my lap. Which is better than 140 lbs of [strike that-editor)

And I couldn't properly put my arms down on the arm rests because my girlfriend had been conned into buying the Value-2 soda,sack of popcorn deal. The two drinks looked like they should be hanging underneath the chin of a St. Bernard instead of sitting in the plastic cup holder of the over crowded theater.

The movie was top notch. I hadn't seen Chris Cooper in anything since he went to tongue Kevin Spacey in American Beauty . He was the stand out in the movie as the eccentric Orchid collector. And I would rather watch Meryl Streep do lines of green orchid extract and hum into the phone for 10 minutes than watch her ride down the rapids with Kevin Bacon.

As Charlie Kaufmann, Nic Cage had this hunched over sort of dejected look throughout the movie that kind of reminded me of Jake Glyenhall in Donnie Darko. And that was ironic [is that really ironic?-editor] because, Maggie Glyenhall [make note to rent Secretary-Id] played the make-up artist of Being John Malkovich that Charlie's imagined brother picks up in the movie.

Watching Cage simulate masturbation (3 times folks) in this movie was a lot more disturbing than it was watching Phillip Seymour Hoffman play indoor wall darts in Happiness.

I decided that if my hair starts to thin like Cage's character I will just shave my head instead of looking like that.

And how did smelly popcorn become the defacto film munchie? Yeah, yeah it has the highest mark-up value and you can ship it easily.